I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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