are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
