My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
