I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
