Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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