We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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