i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.