Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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