i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
