Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
