3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
