Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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