We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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