woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
