I want to make a zoo with you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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