You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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