Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
