if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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