I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
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so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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