Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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