My liver just broke up with me...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Randomize
