Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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