i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
it's great music for shaving your balls
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
