I wish I only lived at night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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