I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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