Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
