My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
