Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
