just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
did i just pee glitter
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
