I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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