Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
