Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
