She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
