Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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