cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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