i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
