It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
ttyl tear gas
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's blow job season.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
