You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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