I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
