i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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