It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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