Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm at about main and main street
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
