Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
