At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
