Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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