Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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