oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
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I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize