My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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