filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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