Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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