I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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