drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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