after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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