she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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