Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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